breathe in and let it all out.

So I decided to start blogging again. obviously. Funny thing, I thought about it last night and went to this site to start one..finding that I had made one just about a year ago. But, after one entry i got lazy. How typical.

This week has been going by a little bit faster. I'm already dreading the work that is to come. Where has my motivation gone? It's probably the job market and economy that's putting me down. Ah, hopefully things will turn up soon. What goes down, must come up right?

Thankfully I'm taking yoga as a class this semester. It's very interesting, but quite relaxing. Just what i need. I never knew, but when you meditate..you actually say "ohhmmmmmm." And whoever think yoga is a breeze, don't be mistaken. Yeah, there are positions that are supposed to make you relax, but it put me in a tiny sweat and work out today. I'd forgotten how it felt. .. :|

Oh, and another thing..people were saying how yoga makes you feel so relaxed that people actually pass gas during class. I didn't think it could make people feel thaaat relaxed and comfortable to do it....but it actually does. The scenario .... we were doing the dolphin pose

and other lovely core positions and then went in to relax and rest, so we switched over to child's pose..

as the girl next to me had to thighs rest on her calves, I hear a long quiet...passage of gas.

It makes me wonder what the hardcore yoga classes are like.

will never forget it.

I was ready to watch another episode of a show, but I saw my poor devotions book just sitting there. I'd gotten it to do something about myself cause honestly, I have fallen greatly away from my spiritual walk. I feel very much apathetic and ..empty. What's worse is, i know what i should do and all that good stuff to keep it up, but everytime i come to it, I get to feeling so numb. I cover myself up with any excuses ..sophomore slump, too busy, do it later...etc. And, why the blog? well..xanga is basically dying and I just needed something to let things out.

i still can't believe it but it's 2008. time for a change.

Holy Spirit helps us in our distress. For we don't even know what we should pray for, nor how we should pray. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.

Romans 8:26

this is the first verse that found me. 

first thoughts? summer of 2007, korea. 

it was a fun and memorable experience, especially with the gathering of my whole mom's side of the family. i still miss them terribly. my uncle's wedding, crazy trips, roaming around to different cities, meeting up with friends..sums it up in the most basic form possible. 

During this trip, I really got to spend time with the mother. I guess being away from her for so long and never getting to truly spend time with her when i was home..it was really nice. 

As many people agree, she is a woman full of joy and love which makes her so much more well liked. 

Well, the memories were great and all, but it wasn't what made this summer..unique? never-forgetting? 

I clearly remember it. I had gotten into an argument with my mom in the morning..and it was probably about something stupid. Soon after, she left my uncle's place to go get a check up at the hospital. She didn't think much of it, except maybe something with the heart. (Me and MamaYu have irritating hearts..har) anyways, eventually I left to go meet up with a friend at Coex. But on the way, I got a phone call that tore my heart into pieces and leaving me in tears. She called to say that there was something wrong with her liver and other parts of her body. From the sound of her voice, it was pretty damn serious. Knowing what my mom went through in her life with numerous cancers..it was hard to take it in THIS time because i'm older and more aware of the situation now. She didn't know all the details, but she said she probably had to go into surgery. On the way, I kept trying to hold back my tears. Even in the hr long path, I refused to sit down so no one could see me and my watery eyes. 

It was a tough day..had to wipe those tears and act like nothing happened.

Finally at night, it was tough. I was even more emotional because of the stupid argument we had..leading it to believe it was all my fault. I felt as though it was my punishment from God, and all I could do was repeat.."Please God, no. Please, let her be okay. Just please..please.." When I saw my mom that night, I could tell she had cried a moundful as well..and all she could say was that she shouldnt have gone..and that it was really annoying. It hurt..a lot. Everything. I was just sick of this. It hurt even more because I had no one to tell this to, no one to tell me it was really gonna be okay....

That night, as my mom and i slept on the same bed..it was obvious we were both trying to hold back any emotions. Eventually, my dad called during the middle of the night and I kept on pretending I was sleeping. . . I don't think it worked cause I just kept sobbing to myself while my mom was going through the details of what happened at the hospital with my dad. I honestly do not remember ever crying that much in my life. I had only gotten about 2-3 hrs of sleep, but what I realize I was lacking was true faith. I help repeating the same "Please, God, no" in my head, but I was again put into a situation that makes us crave God the most. 

How dirty of me, of humans. 

Although there is so much more that went on and so much more pain..I'm still just mad at myself. The Holy Spirit did help me in this time. I did feel God somewhere there, but even still after this experience, I continue to be as selfish and as lacking in my faith/obedience. Even while I do not try to prevent my path from going down, it's not like I'm happy in "having fun" and doing other things. 

I continue to feel empty and like something is missing.

Why can't I just be more willing?? 

This is so annoying.